So I’m currently suffering from insomnia, I don’t sleep at all at night. I am getting 3-4 hours sleep napping in the afternoon/early evening. Sometimes my brain races going through stressful or mundane things, sometimes my head is empty but I still cannot sleep…..Read More
Things were going so well and then... BAM! Anxiety rears its sneaky little head!! I'm signed off work, trying an increase in my meds. But I'm so tired of feeling this anxiety. It's draining and I can't explain it.
I don't know where it has come from, I don't know the trigger which is frustrating. I just want to be well and functioning…..Read More
I am definitely a permanently exhausted pigeon! No joke! currently my Fitbit tracks my average night’s sleep at 12 hours 39 minutes per day. That’s way too much considering how tired I am after all this sleep. It’d be too much if I woke up sprightly, but that’s far from the case.
We’ve just had the Christmas/New Year’s break, in which I had a couple of days off work. But I feel like I’ve travelled halfway round the world, like the worst jet lag I have ever faced!! Ugh! I could do with another break. Coffee does not make a dent!
I did manage to get up today at 12:00, but it was hard, and I’ve not done much since. Just been online etc. I’m lucky my husband is so supportive, he doesn’t add pressure and does so much round the house because I am so tired. Tiredness and lack of motivation are my two biggest hurdles right now.
I know part of the sleep issue is caused by my medication. I need to keep taking it though because it helps in so many other ways. When I think back to a year ago and how low and lost I was, I am grateful to be on these meds, so that I can function. I’m not a full Cat 2.0/3.0 (whatever version I am at now), but I can hold down my three-days-a-week job for now, so that’s a HUGE achievement. One that I am proud of.
So for now I will keep battling my eyelids and strive to get up at a reasonable time each day, but it’s not going to be easy.
What hurdles do you face?
Do you have issues with sleeping too much? Too little?
What is your ‘normal’ amount per night?
Do you track your sleep?
Let me know!
I have been on my new medication at the correct dosage for just over 3 months now and they seem to be working. So much so that I have managed to secure a new part time job which I start this Saturday. I’ve decided this is my new normal for now, maybe BlunderCat version 2.1.
I think the meds are working as I feel a bit more balanced, although a little numb. I don’t cry or feel much emotionally. And maybe that’s OK, that’s what I need to be able to function for now…..Read More
So for the past month I’ve been pretty quiet online. I’ve been stuck in my own head and lacking a bit of motivation. Each day has become quite mundane, but that has felt safe. I haven’t really been sad or low, just a bit numb really, not much else going on. I’ve been having thoughts that I’m unworthy and having suicidal ideas again. I really wish I could switch my brain off at times, it’s relentless.
The one thing I have been doing is sleeping lots, at least 10 hours a night! And yet I am always tired, I can nap most days and have very low energy. At night once I get to sleep I can sleep forever, but I struggle to drift off at the start. I think this is because 1- I’m sleeping too much, so I’m tired but not sleepy and 2- the unstoppable, whirling nonsense in my brain. That voice which tells me to give up, I’m not good enough, that I’m a waste of time and space. It’s not a kind voice at all…..Read More
I am currently unemployed after losing my job earlier this year and it's starting to really affect me. I've been going through the worst episode of depression and anxiety I've ever faced, and it's taken it's toll. I've signed on at the job centre, but they won't pay me any benefits due to the fact my husband is earning!! Which is ridiculous enough, but I've also now been independently assessed for my capability to work, and they agree I cannot work right now, but still there is no benefit support. I don't understand how I can be incapable of work, but not eligible for financial benefits…..Read More
Why am I so tired!?!?
At the moment, I seem to be permanently tired, seriously! My change in medication dosage means I do sleep through the night now, but I struggle to get to sleep in the first place. I try each day to then be up by 10am, in the hope I will not make the situation worse. It's like I'm not quite on UK time…..Read More
So I've been following the plan the consultant gave me and at first I thought I had a breakthrough. My brain felt clearer and a little more spacious, my anxiety went down and it seemed like I had turned a corner. I was stumbling over words but figured that was due to suddenly not having a racing brain. However after the two weeks, I upped the dosage as requested and it all went a bit wrong. I've been struggling to sleep more then about an hour at a time and feel constantly jet lagged. Even coffee in the morning doesn't help and it's left me frustrated and a bit sad. I lost interest in everything really, because I was so tired.Read More
A few years ago a new trend started; colouring for adults. I have to admit I joined in and enjoyed it, but somehow I've gotten out of the habit. So I dug out my books and made a conscious effort to get started again. It's like when you're a kid taking time to draw and colour doesn't feel like such an effort, how do we forget these simpler things?
Many psychologists and therapists prescribe these books to patients for various reasons, to help with stress, anxiety, relaxation etc. I have a couple different ones and a selection of pens and pencils, I like to mix up my mediums. I've heard of colouring being linked to mindfulness, which helps us replace distressing or difficult thoughts with positive and calming ones. Keeping your mind in the moment and present with what you are doing.Read More
I think it might be the new medication and the slower pace that my brain is finally getting to work at again, but I have become pretty forgetful. If I don't write something down, there is no chance it will happen. Even things like cut the grass in the garden, I will just forget I meant to do it until it's too late in the day. Not good for productivity…..Read More
I no longer have a relationship with my Dad. It was a choice I made for the good of my own mental health. My parents split up when I was 5, and divorced when i was 7. Initially we saw my Dad, for weekends etc, but when I was 9 he disappeared. It turns out he moved to Canada with his wife.
He got back in touch the week before I turned 18, since then I had tried to have a relationship with him, I even visited him in 2006. Then after some struggles to have a two way relationship and some issues with his interfering wife, I decided I was done trying in Dec 2012.
What I would say is he's not a bad person, he's just a rubbish Dad. It's very clear that I am not his priority. So I rarely think about him anymore, I focus on the family I do have around me, including my awesome friends.
Just under two weeks ago, he got in touch via Facebook to let me know his father, my Granddad, had passed away. Whilst I was glad he had reached out to tell me this, I was frustrated and annoyed because he misspelled my name on purpose (he must have spelled it correctly to find me online!). My name was slightly different when I was born, I changed my name when I was 9. It just felt like yet another example of not showing me respect, him getting a dig in.
Well just due to the timing, I am getting 20+ emails a day from all companies saying "Fathers Day" is coming. I usually don't even notice the day, but it's just reminding me of how even now at 34 my Dad knows how to push my buttons and annoy me. It just makes letting go of the anger much harder.
Which got me thinking about the insensitivity of mass email, for all those who have a difficult (or no) relationship with their parents on Mothers Day and Fathers Day. And I came across an article about women who were pregnant and suffer a miscarriage, but are plagued with online adverts and mass mailings reminding them of their loss. There should be a way to opt out of marketing related to unwanted reminders.
- Do you agree?
- How do you manage what impacts you?
- How can we improve the invasion of marketing on our day to day lives?
Let me know,
Yesterday I met with the mental health consultant and he was great. I felt he really listened to me and gave me all the information and options. He then advised what he thought would best suit my needs and came up with a plan.
So for the next week I am on a half dose of the Mirtazapine, to wean me off.
Then I will be starting on Haloperidol, which is an antipsychotic medicine often used to treat Bipolar Disorder. I'll be taking this along with my Venlafaxine. starting on a low dose for two weeks, and then increasing slightly.
I'm then meeting with the consultant again to see how it's going.
I do feel like a huge weight has been lifted, because I have a plan and know when I'm next being seen. Fingers crossed the side effects aren't too bad.
I'll keep you posted.
I have always had vivid dreams, and I mostly remember them clearly when waking. I even remember a reoccurring dream I had when I was about 3 years old! It was based around my Mum being pregnant and my younger siblings being born. Most of the time my dreams are full on, almost like a regular day, a bit boring and very detailed. It can be frustrating when I have something I need to do, and I dream doing it, and then wake up and it still needs to be done - UGH!
I'm not sure I believe in dream interpretation or meanings, but I do believe my dreams are impacted by what's going on with my life? Stress, big events and worries all find a way in. Over the past few months my dreams have been intense and overwhelming, I'm pretty sure this is because of the tough year I am having. I have often dreamt that my three cats are the size of leopards or that they multiply and it seams too much to cope with.
Sometimes my dreams become nightmares and I witness terrible events in my dreams, Like murder & torture usually involving my loved ones. Then when I wake up I'm scared to fall back asleep. I often go back to the same place in a dream when I don't want to. My nightmares do more than scare me when I'm asleep. And it's typical, because if I'm having a great dream and I wake, I can never get back.
My dreams when not being scary, have been quite fantastical recently, like a story. This is different for me and I'm not sure I like it. Maybe because I am out of my routine, I'm not having hum-drum dreams. In my dreams I've been to the future, had special powers, moved to space, and last night fought with vampires. Crazy!! but a bit fun!
I do wonder about writing some of them down, telling the stories, the richness of the details and the escapism to other worlds might be worth a read. I like the idea of becoming an author, but I am unsure I would have the confidence and skill set. Maybe one day.
I am due to be changing my medication soon, so i wonder if that will impact my dreams. I know my depression changes my dreams, I am pretty sure finding the correct meds will too.
- Do you remember your dreams?
- What do you dream about?
- Do you note them down?
Let me know,
Some days suck! It's just how it is with depression! Really crummy! I wish I could wave a magic wand on those days, but I cannot find one.
What I do have is my hubby, my three cats and an understanding of depression. And for that I am thankful. They help, but don't "fix" it.
What else is there? The pool (although yesterday I had a trigger moment), there's music, reading and podcasts #escapism. There's pulling the duvet over my head, reminding myself that "Thoughts are not facts" and battling that dark voice. So tiring and frustrating.
And then there is changing the situation, changing my environment and finding another way out. So yesterday, we opted for Deadpool 2 and it was great! Silly, dark, humorous and on point! Ryan Reynolds is brilliant (and super hot!), his deadpan, overtly sexual anti-hero is well worth a look. The humour is both obvious and sublime, there's gore left and right and a story arch worthy of a Lifetime movie ;-)
The day gave me what I needed and I am truly thankful.
Let me know if you go see?
Tattoos are a great way to express yourself, I have several. Each one is different and has a different meaning/purpose.
The last time I went through therapy and recovered from a phase of depression, I found the words "Thoughts are not facts" particularly helpful. So I got them tattooed on my inside right forearm. That way I can see the words and have a regular reminder.
It's not foolproof, as my depression of this year has demonstrated. But it serves as a comfort and a reminder that my recovery is possible.
I am considering getting another, but will be taking my time to consider what will work best and the placement.
- What tattoos do you have?
- What do you use to inspire better mental health?
I want to know.
I managed to have a session of therapy last week with a therapist I have seen in the past. It was an intense session, but helped me try to place where I am right now. Unfortunately the waiting list for regular sessions is very long. But in the meantime, I was reminded of things I had learned before and given some new things to try.
One of them was to take time to check in with myself:
- What is going right?
- What made me feel happy/smile?
- What am I grateful for?
- What nice/kind/helpful/fun thing did I do for myself?
So I am going to join in the #365daysofGratitude over on Twitter, starting today May 8th.
Come join me and I look forward to seeing your posts too.
So this year I have been battling with my depression and the meds I was on weren't giving me enough support. I went to my G.P. who increased my dosage on my antidepressants, Venlafaxine. This didn't help, just spaced me right out. The doctor brought me back down to my previous dosage.
She then referred me to the local mental health team. The doctor there recommended keeping me on the Venlafaxine and adding a drug that has been successful working with it, Mirtazapine. It was explained to me to give these a go, but as with all antidepressants, it's not an overnight fix. Patience has never been my strong point but I was willing to try my best and see it through the initial 6-8 weeks.
Straight off, I gained the benefit of being able to sleep. Hallelujah! This was something I had really been struggling with. Without sleep everything else feels so much worse! On the flip-side I gained some strange and horrible side effects:
- Shaking hands,
- Increased appetite,
- Twitching eye,
- Afternoon napping.
Despite knowing I had the medication in my system and my building tolerance was lessening the side effects, I was still feeling low and having suicidal thoughts. I asked the nurse if we could change and try something else. Unfortunately it's the doctor I need to agree and change my prescription.
I'm now at week 11 and I'm stuck taking these meds. The doctor I was seeing changed jobs and I'm now waiting to see another doctor. I got a letter through with an appointment for the end of May, but then I received another letter postponing that appointment to June 6th!! I'm trying to muster patience, but it's running thin, very thin. By the time I'm seen it will be 16 weeks.
I understand it's just been bad timing with the doctor and the restraints on the NHS, but I just want to feel better. I suppose at least I'm on a countdown.
- Have you experienced issues with meds?
- What did you try?
- Any tips for holding on to patience?
Let me know.