So for the past month I’ve been pretty quiet online. I’ve been stuck in my own head and lacking a bit of motivation. Each day has become quite mundane, but that has felt safe. I haven’t really been sad or low, just a bit numb really, not much else going on. I’ve been having thoughts that I’m unworthy and having suicidal ideas again. I really wish I could switch my brain off at times, it’s relentless.
The one thing I have been doing is sleeping lots, at least 10 hours a night! And yet I am always tired, I can nap most days and have very low energy. At night once I get to sleep I can sleep forever, but I struggle to drift off at the start. I think this is because 1- I’m sleeping too much, so I’m tired but not sleepy and 2- the unstoppable, whirling nonsense in my brain. That voice which tells me to give up, I’m not good enough, that I’m a waste of time and space. It’s not a kind voice at all.
One of my main worries at the moment revolves around money, I have none. Even going through all the hoops for the job centre, I am not entitled to any financial benefits! My husband always helps me out, but I have no independence, no income of my own. I struggle with the need for support, as well as wondering when it will change? How long will I have to rely on him for? I’ve decided to try remedy this by getting a small part time job, but so far no success. Please cross your fingers for me, I hope to have something soon. A little bit of routine and independence again.
I think if I can contribute financially to our household, I will find some worth again. Balancing that with some part time work routine will hopefully help. Maybe close at least one tab in my brain at night and help me settle more easily.
I started this blog because I wanted to use it as my own sounding board and to potentially help others through my honesty, but now I feel it’s become a bit of a diary of woes. I will try to balance my posts and not always talk about mental health. Today I needed to brain dump, I hope you don’t mind.
Please feel free to reach out, let me know how you are? Any questions? Advice? Just want to vent too? This is the space for it.
I appreciate you visiting!